the idea of the God of Many Masks

 Made sense to me.  In the context of what I guessed a God would be, based upon my peculiar blend of beliefs.  A God who appeared like a returning Buddha, or one of many, called angels or prophets or whatever.   I always had a hard time with the idea of real angels and demons and should have made so many things clear, like this metaphor.  I did not realize people were making a big deal out of everything I said and look back on my mentality as stress induced rage, half the time.  Dreams.   I stayed with Science, always afraid to rely on the Supernatural at all.  I had a certain faith that I had always struggled to be moral in my weird ways;  even when the beliefs came and went with life lessons or sheer habit.

I feel like when this mask was put down, in various ways the idea was attacked, and I was told of things again that happened,, which I would have stopped.  I am tired of trying to say anything about such things that might distill into doctrines, that grant power for no good reason at all.  I have to say good bye to one of the few media efforts that mattered to me, that really stung when they got me all wrong and dressed me up as Hitler.  The guy who brought in the Jewish Mayor and railed against this from the start.  Statements I would have clarified haunt me, like a lot of things.   I expect and accept this part of the mission now...  I wanted to change the world all at once, when I did not realize I lived a lie among liars.  

I told you the truth when you asked, and finally, I had hoped the movement would turn peaceful. I see less and less reason to want to insert myself in anything that is not a solution, or a plan for caring for a future that is going to need all the help the present can muster, and governments cannot be trusted.  Senseless blood is the last thing I ever want to hear about.  On the news a child dies from a stray bullet and I mourn inside.  I do not wish to be impervious.  Ever.   I never was.  To be mistaken as this killing machine is strange to me today.   I will never give up the fight but I will always first seek peace.  And second and third.  Can't appease in the end, unless any fight proves pointless?   I do not wish to be the one to make that decision, not that there is much chance of that happening.

I will never be able to finish this book.   A LOT of time spent messing around.   I got three scenes I like.  And I am not sure if I will ever feel safe returning to them.  I do not wish to create anymore myths of war.  I do not want to create any stories people try to live, no more turner diaries for the left or right or whoever, no more religious speculation.    I once felt fire flowing thru my mind and body.  No more...  just the unhealing burns are left in my hollowed body.  And my soul, un-ruffled by the goings on of the flesh, on some level, merely waiting to leave with new lessons, or move on or... who knows?  I have my vision of Heaven, maybe it is mine alone?  

I just do not want to even think about mass destruction and death all the time.  I hoped to help.   Now I feel worse than ever in a way.  To have contemplated civil war drove me to distraction.  I will be glad when tRump is out of office.  I am not vindictive about what he did, just tired of it...  ready to try to clean up the mess, now more revealed than ever, though people are fighting it...

I think of getting shit about blue.  I am not stereotyping any group.  I gave my support where I would not have at times.  I am not giving up on anyone personally.  The more co-operation the better.  I believe in reforms here as well.  How could I not?  I also know this is bigger than the individuals involved.  The police are not in charge of the underlying causes of this societies woes, though they should be adding to the problem.  I have no solutions on this matter...  all I can say is that do not judge me by those I forgive.  Do not judge me for what people did behind my back, or in a war of... madness.  Pure madness, on some levels, and not on others.  I certainly did not mean to release the worst in people, though I still aim to forgive them.   My beliefs do not matter to anyone except me.  I came to them a lot of different ways, and everyone has their own path, to some degree... certainly they can be mentally freed while in prison at times.  

I feel like I need to say expect my decisions to be based on a firm, sane horror of hurting a fly let alone... and a firm, cold feeling like I will do what I must if it comes to that.  I hope the world takes a turn toward sanity.  Has happened on occasion.

the never ending funeral

I know all souls go to Heaven. This knowledge and power makes me the greatest destructive force in God's creation. I think tonight of my vision of ending the world with lightening and fire, how terrified the world was of being judged by a deity. And later abused by a seeming mad man, as the forces of man fought over the mind of the child who began growing wings at the age of five, a secret kept in layers of secret societies... Before the war. The first few days of loving everyone, forgiving everyone redeeming everyone... I knew from the start some force was using me. A force that was seemingly abusive to me. I made mistake after mistake, feeling the attack was unwarranted, but I wanted the world to see what was being done to me, thought they would react with justice, and they might have had I been told why Bush wanted to fire some cia personel. Instead, a man I considered my political enemy, though I had never thought once of hurting him or his family. I wrote burn the bushes for effect, not because I thought they needed to die. Little did I know... the people initially behind this do not matter anymore. Digging up corpses, animating zombies that kill for no good reason at all... no logic in that. Off mission. I in no way believe this country is ready for more than a redistribution of wealth thru taxation, and for now that would be enough to change the living standards of the country. We do not need an overly itrusive government, religion, or laws to overwhelming us in the name of security, or stopping counter--revolutionaies, etc. We need an open, honest, expert driven approach to dealing with SERVING THE CITIZENS of the USA -- not being served by them. Millionaire politicians have the connections and levers to get things done in ways that can get better. I have said the same things since my teen years. The times are more complex, but my interests are still in uniting people, not controlling them... freeing their minds to critically think about issues, as children, when these patterns are layed down. I have noticed the increased surveillance response on the tv. I had the pleasure and embarrassment of seeing friends refer to me. I am not going into any specifics about present situations. Those who know, know... pain is weakness leaving the body... my marine t shirt quoted in a quip... Pain has forged me, made me stronger. Weaker at first, then I learned how much I could live with in horrible pain for days at a titme, laying on the couch or pacing tha apartment. Big adjustment for a guy who was in aa because of lack of control of sedative drugs, including drink, and percoden after being on it a year... thirty years in aa and I started smoking weed, then this hit. I needed it then to mentally deal. I needed surgery, could only get pills. Put off being disabled, had no way to live unti mary ann came along. God knows, I MAY have had to move to Ohio until I had social security. So many things, what is co-incidence, left to trustitng if I was a demi-God or something I at least did not seem that bad of a guy, though they did something to make me a liar. I learned later the hypnosis, including a year, at five, in a hospital being given radiation to stop the growth of the alleged wings. A lot believe, enough there must be evidence. I later tried, once, to draw lightening from a blue sky and instantly it was coming down, straight toward a building. I stopped it... I was riding on the El train at the time, just staring out into a blue sky. The feeling of lightening and fire flowing from my body during my night of visions, was joyous... and I wondered if this was what I was, a fulcrum between sky and earth, using both to take out humankind, send their souls flying from this planet. I could not imagine wanting to do such a thing. I did see this as somehow a birth, more than a death. I talked of comforting souls who thought they were going to hell to comfort you. My memories of being a soul, from the reoccuring childhood dream flying above the earth, then hitting some gravity that pulled me down to the blue circle with white clouds and then bam, into a room of all white. Just like that. Made me think, later, when I examined my behavior in terms of prophecy, seeking signs...that souls enter babies at the last second. This like so much of my thinking may just be logic to hide a secret pain, and aborted child I would have love to have had, though that path was not for me. Like when I understood all these people died, and I freaked out, began to imagine they had chosen to be murdered, to head toward heaven, clear some path... I look at such things now and think... the belief that I was Christ, God in a way, his face on this

planet, so to speak. I had no ideas what my powers could do nor did I wish to test them. I never believed in miracles and such, and the longer time passed, into the period when I was preaching all the time, yelling threats... coming close to being worshipped, or was... studied, etc... I did not know who all of you were but I wanted to be valued by these people, and I wanted to know what the hell they were up to, why they did this and that, with no idea they thought I was in charge. I wrote a fiction in my blog. In my dreams the writing would be a book revolutionaries would use. Had I any idea.. I cannot keep living in the past. I have studied it enough that with what I know, I have an operating plan. This depends on co-operation more than military discipline, no one person leading a group of people, all should have self rule to a degree to their own culture. I talk of Mexico a lot because of the deaths involved, and yes I grieve them. I get pissed when I think of this slaughter you had ferrell spring on me. I mourn you. I mourn those who fought or were conscripted or ... I do not want to let these people die in vain. I will continue to fight for immigration rights, continue to mourn the caged children on the boarder, continue always to rage against injustice toward all people... but all people are chosen of God. You are chosen whether you know about it or seemingly deserve as much. I of course have to take some of the blame for tRump. I did not think he had a snowballs chance in hell of winning. He used some of the people who were under control of the last operation. I never meant anyone should eat each other. I never wanted a state. I do not know how or what this has morphed into though God, forgive me, for my part. I talked of olden times not thinking people would do such things, wrote a short story taken wrong, always taken wrong. For fourteen years. Now I have made my case on these matters.

The New Outline

I have what is going to happen laid out in another post, which I shall add at the bottom of this...  written from the perspective of a person in a post revolution era.....   an ambitious, world changing strategy that may seem Utopian to some;   the best I can come up with.   Needs a lot of people and strategic knowledge only the military would have.   They supported my efforts once, to the point the Marines were slammed, after the first Gay leader of the Navy was brought in, by A DR WHO EPISODE... DEMONS RUN.   I did not realize that we had went into an outright war, and that they were the dark side.  God inspired me to write against monarchies..

I do not want to give anyone that kind of elitist power.  No Royal blood matters at all.   Fucking idiots and their Icon worship end up spending a bit of time in Hell dealing with their superior attitude.  Shaping involves going from wealthy to poor, murderer to prosecuter...   no one should throw stones, they have all lived lives they would sneer at now.

We have lost our humanity on this planet, or perhaps found it, and lost our spirituality?  People do seek it, this I know, in all kinds of ways. 

The book is not going to start in a fema camp, though I will use this scene for later, have him work his way into the city.   I am anxious to just write scenes make up fiction... but I know better than to waste my time on chapters I will not keep, because I do a lot of re-writing.

At this point, the story will start in mid battle.  The Christ is using his powers on various battle fronts to shore up the lines, lead attacks.   He will be at the Church meeting with all these people on the south side, a few they saved from the FEMA camp,led by the Christ, to take out his main soldier, who had been recruiting there, where the people saw their fate was like Jews entering trains for Nazi guards.   James will come out with all these gang leaders families, and others, who we directed to this particular camp, which we break these guys out of in the first scene.

THE Christ is then in a church talking to the people. Some are in awe, others do not trust him, consider him propaganda until this night, when he is miraculous missed by a barrage of bullets.   He tells them that he has had a vision that if he used these powers, the world end, as he pulled the lava from the earth and lightening from the sky, destroying the living ecosystem.....  releasing every soul on the planet, from every blade of grass, souls were flourishing everywhere unseen to most.   He has flashes of memories, the Christ, mostly that help him make decisions, based on ancient tactics of war he had had used.   I thought.  I may have imagined everything about the religious side of my life, to avoid facing the bare,, cold eyes of the dead.   The tortured and humiliated and captured and fighting for their lives blacks in the states, who the side who claimed I led them, who were not people I knew anything about during most of this...   though I invited everyone to help me revolt, and many stepped up who I did not expect..

Madness rose.   Slaves.  People kept slaves, said they were angels... I was asked to step in and did, after a tv star, the white guy from psych told me DUDE, YOU HAVE TO do something.  I am about to be sold to my hair dresser.   Later, when the Scots, thank you Jay Leno, who I know nothing about except that he helped on this.   If this is the kind of behavior the CIA CREATED religious followers of me, the NEW CHRIST, as they called me, were acting out.   After he was set free, I had spent the week trying to get in better physical shape, because I realized there was a war, and I had to fight,.   He said I AM GOING TO DO SOMETHING I HAVE BOT DONE IN AGES, GO OUT WITH A WOMAN... HE turned to the woman cop, and said, NO THANKS TO YOU...  They did a show about this, as many did, terrified for their lives, victims of the rages whee I would tell the webcam I thought was an illegal bug destroying my powerless ass.

I watched many shows that would have characters directly address me, as did the sheldon on the biig bang theory, telling me, NO ONE IS GOING TO HELP YOU.   I had no idea why that was.  I felt like the victim, as I was when this started and the CIA CUT OFF PEOPLES ARMS.   I did not know this when, simply to defy Bush, thinking he would fire the good guys,....  I should have trusted him a bit then, but I was so used to him being the enemy, intellectually speaking... I never want people hurt, though II do not allow blood to stop my mission.   There is a lot of blood ahead in my intelligence work, and the new parts of the novel    I made many mistakes that I wish I could change.

I wanted wedding cakes and M.....  not to be driven half mad my visions of God, and the lightening generating feeling of being the Christ, the exploding one, who is here with powers, perhaps,  though none of that matters.   I would not be an actor in a life imposed on  me.   I used to love all people in my way, which is why when I was laughed at by Obama and mocked over my saying, ME, A MURDERER, I LOVE EVERYONE?   I wrote a lot criticism, but in truth II love people, thought I learned from the cab most are good, want the same things, a bit of money, life, a job, stability, and the good old golden rule seemed to apply across the board.   I diid think these people were being hurt.  I was in  a half fiictional world where the guy who took pictures of M and I at the apartment, would be scared off from doing that again without talking to me.

No, I would have never want him actually hurt.   I would make sure that was known had I realized my prose would later lead to my interrogators asking about this guy, and I just was astounded he had been hurt.   WXRT radio, when they turned on me, and accused me of leading the madness,  for God only knows who... CHINA?   Are they CIA?  I have no idea.  I know they tried to help me and no matter how much they hate me now, they helped me a lot...  then they turned on me, and one day said, something about not wanting to go to jail, another commented on something I did not realize they were reading in real time, from one od tatthe many cameras capturing my life.   I would NEVER have forced people to watch worship or war for me.   I would never have raised an army of children, or brought in many things....

8 was best as a Chaplain, i know, and they offered me this, and I did not know this was my real fate.   I liked the idea of the soldiers and sailors reading me back then, their respect meant to world to me, and they called me Napoleanic because of the working class recolting, liike they did in france...   I would not hace known who to even really fight beside n a mission...   especially before.   Now,, the soldiers who help the unions, the last battles against the corporation, as they asinine ly fight the law that allows all these endless contributuons, even from billionaires own pockets, who can now afford to hace an ad company put them endlessly on tv, and give him a script to lie thru when he gave  speeches.  A enemy of the people RAUNER.   Now, another billionaire may run in Illinois and he at least says all the things I believe in, and maybe he is the exception.

THIS MAN has grown up with a lot of money, funding all these Democratees over the years.  I have to always give the idea that the wealthy I meet are exceptions, on rare occasions, just people like me who  ended up in a position of authority.   His is a hell of a lot more sensual than my life of pain and self imposed exile in my apartment, arranging and rearranging words, over and over, my entire life.

Set out to be a writer, not a conqueror;   when revolution seemed within the realm of possibility, I went for it... feeling I had nothing to lose, that I was made homeless and wretched, not rewarded for this Christ they were making a big deal out of...  all more of a surprise to me than other people.   I was even more surprised when during the obama re election they wanted me to run, made me a write in candidate in one of the first states to vote, giving me forty percent.   Being president will not solve the problems of this government.  CAMPAIGN FINANCE REFORM IS SOMETHING PRITZKER WANTS... AND to make recreational weed ....   lawful.  He knows that tax money will improve the state, lessen the imprisoned,, cause our tourism to shoot up, and etc...   studies show the only difference between stoned and straight drivers is pot heads tend to drive three miles an hour slower, that is it.

I drove for many years on weed, and it probably had good effects on me, though driving cab, it cost me a lot of money smoking it....  for some reason, I usually did terrible when I stopped a lot smoking weed.   Whatever..  I drove best straight.   I do  not recommend stoned driving though it is going to happen and I sure as hell prefer they are on pot rather than drink, or even their cell phone.  I was driving cab when they became popular, and I would think the person was drunk and avoid them... you must be defensive as hell to be good, and at that time I was..

I figured out it was cell phones and was pissed.  Glad they set up laws against it quick, though it seems most people ignore this...   oh, well... talk about a digression.   I am very pro weed and wrote a lot about it when I first started, after the brainwashing and they put me on the radio show, which was a front.  They were going to make us famous, shoot my stuff into small films, had all these plans... then someone messed with my head.   Or, had been for a long time, and activated me.   I heard people at first talking about how long they had awaited for me to wake up and that when I finally did, I was a disappointment to people.   I do not see all and know all.   I said this to mess with your heads, to fight you with whatever words I had...   I wanted people afraid.

At first I felt loved, but that passed quick.  The homelesss skit ass baldwin called it came as a shock to me.   Seinfeld, God bless them all from that show, they brought great light into my life..   I defended kramer and he got ahold of my defense, talking about xenophobia and saying give the guy a break.  I said this was not racism, but xenophobia, that everyone has it, and it cannot be totally irradicated.  I hated how the blacks felt because of his words, and feel for them for sure.   I do not think he meant what people think, or know him to be racist.  Never heard that.  Here Jews supported me at first, with daly and seinfeld.  How could they then think I would ever turn on them...

I would never lump all these people together as Jews who I hate.  That is terrible thinking, and anti thetical to the Jewish radicals I have known, who I never considered their religion at all i my conception of them.   I did  go too far awhile, spending too much time fighting for the Palestinians, and ignoring all these other conflicts around the world.   I do not want to be classed in with people I once respect who now have this respect for Hitler, saying he was  the last person to fight Jewish bankers,,,,  I can see going after bankers,  and we should have just stopped them from functioning, or robbed the hell out them in a cop and intelligence   ,