I remember the day that I realized the cameras in my apartment were not just going out to spies and being told to the media -- it was obvious to me that my actions were being aped on various shows, and that people on the news, and once an awards show, seemed to actually be talking to me... by then I was so pissed at having been filmed for so many years that I ignored such things. I felt I was being tortured, as anyone in their right mind would, by this invasion of my privacy. So I often used psychological warfare on those filming me, and was cruel. I threw out threats, etc... I felt like since someone was filming me without my consent that they were my enemies, even though I also noticed sometimes something postive was said about me. I was standing in front of my dresser, and they suddenly showed someone standing right where I was, in a green house coat like this stupid one I used to wear. I cannot explain why I did not realize this before. I just could see no reason for it.
Sadly enough for them, an actor from the show Modern Family was talking directly to me at that moment when I realized they were using webcams in my apartment, because somehow or another those backing me, and using me as their puppet, had taken over the tv. I am an advocate for gay rights, and immigrant rights, especially Mexicans... in fact, I made one of my characters on the radio show bi sexual, because I felt there was no one on tv who was representing this group. Just as when I knew they were filming me in 07 when all of this started, I promoted blacks because I felt they were getting a bad rap in movies and on tv. In fact, when I was 24 and working on a local children's tv show I insisted they add a black character because there were not enough black role models on tv. I felt durin my moment of fame would be used to bring a voice to those who the media traditionally silenced. This is also why I said at one point, Gays are angels. I grew up in a time when as a cab driver in Toledo Ohio, when a gay movie was showing at a small arts theater, the gays would have me drop them off a block from the movie theater -- afraid of even exposing themselves to a cab driver. I had also lived in Grand Rapids Michigan, and gay BASHING was happening frequently. I have always been one to hate bullying of any kind, and was not going to play the games that I usually saw in the media.
When I realized the feed was going out to all kinds of people, I was angrier than I have been since the tine I thought they killed my girlfriend... The humiliation that ensued, was much worse than the disses I had gotten on tv, especially after I was filmed masterbating.... after which I told the 'spies' that some things in life were x rated. I wanted then to leave me alone so badly. When I learned that people thought I wanted to be filmed the hatred that raged through me was endless. It was like being told I asked to be tortured. Of COURSE, at that time I had no idea a religion had built up around me, or that there was a shadow war actually happening. I had been writing a book about a revolution, but I had heard no news that seemed to show me this was having any effect. Other than a few tv shows that I took to be either lies or just using my ideas..... I had been told long before that people were stealing ideas from my blogs, and I was flattered at first. By the time I realized the webcam was going though, I felt like all these people were making money off me and I was not getting a dime.
Sadly enough, because an actor from Modern Family was on the tv when I realized this, they were bludgeoned in the press... having gay characters, and mexican american characters who were not cliches, had appealed to me. Glee was another show I was happy to see. I had read the statistics on all the teenage gays that killed themselves, and believed tv was finally giving positive role models to these kids, as well as helping others get over their prejudices.
After this realization, I was hyper aware that all these people could see me, but still there was nothing I could do about it. After this, the illusion that I was trying to use all these groups to take over the world, began to crumble. The difference between what was happening on tv and xrt, and other radio stations, and my mundane, depressive life of constant pain was too much for me to process. I figured I had pissed off the government so much that they were torturing me. Why I was given so much coverage made no sense to me. I mean, I had been responding to the spies on the tv ever since I realized what they were watching me, but it was an entirely different matter when I found out people who considered me a leader were actually able to see into my apartment.
I was afraid to even tell anyone about these things because they sounded so insane. My girlfriend noticed, and occasionally even something she said was mimicked on a tv show. Later, they would all be cruel as hell to me... I try to understand that I would have hated the person they made me into in the media, and forgive those who hated me, but when I think of that one fucking actor, the scamatomologist -- which is what I call the scientology CULT, who was in those chipmunk movies, actually came on tv when I had diarreah and called me dirreah dog. When I found out they were filming me in my bathroom, I of course had a hard time even going to the toilet. Thank God it was dark in there when I turned off the lights... he came on one day and said something about me being pee shy. I had no idea at that point that the differetn tv stations had differennt political agendas. The entire world was turned on its head, and the world I had been led to believe I lived in did not fit into what I was seeing on tv. They were calling me a dog at that point... which I took to be because I loved dogs, not yet realizing they had all these animal name codes for the different groups fighting for control in the shadow war. I just watched what they told me was happening with no idea why it was happening.... no idea why I was loved or hated for different things I did
I remember one day after I knew there was a webcam, that I put up a picture of my ex girlfriend, to remind myself that people were being hurt by what I was saying... and whoopie goldberg asked, DO YOU WANT BARBARA, and I angrily motioned to my girlfriend, and said I was just putting up to remind myself that the things I said were hurting people. This sounded ridiculous to them, because there had already been all kinds of deaths associated with me, and crimes that I knew nothing about, and all sorts of things I cannot write about, ranging from genocides to theft on a level I can hardly imagine. I thought people knew me from my writing, not my life... instead I was finding out that people who knew I am a God on earth had been watching this webcam. The madness of this saddens me now... I would have behaved so differently, as I did after discovering this was happening.
I was half mad from all this by then. The whole thing started in 07 with a brainwashing and being put on an anti-psychotic drug that kept me awake for days at a time, as well as being drugged, I was told, by the water bottles I kept in the refrigerator. The fear the government felt of me, a person who had enough power at that time that I was effectig entire countries. Operation Bluebeam, trying to start a one world religion, had placed me behind a podium that I did not know existed.... I could se no changes in the world being reported, and I spent my days on the net searching and searching for any news about what was happening.... HOW COULD MY TV suddenly be making comments about me all the time, yet when I walked the streets, only very occasionally did anyone act like they recognized me, and no one came to my door... I would have expected in a sane world that the fbi or soeone would have informed me these things were happening. When they did, I put an end to them, as best I could. The things they told me that were happening in the world, that they were saying were the result of my work left me lost.
They also told me things about my girlfriend, that she had went to all these different groups when it looked like I was losing in this shadow war... groups I had no idea who they were. I did not ask questions about these things because there was sinply too many of them, and I felt under attack... so I was not going to give my enemies what I did and did not know... though I assume in retrospect this is obvious to them, since they were taping me.
I am sure a lot of this is considered top secret, but I am leaving so much out.... that I do not even dare fictionalize. Enough people have been inadvertantly harmed by my writing. Never again. If possible. I would have done so many things differently if not for the madness of the brainwashing and the seroqul driving me mad... and my own confusion. BEFORE this I thought I had the world figured out pretty much, and there was no place for a God in my cosmology at that time -- most of my life I did believe in God. I think during this period, my secular education and the back pain combined to make me hate God... to think that I had tried so hard to live a good life, doing all kinds of volunteer work, saving lives when I was a cab driver, and generally trying to be a writer who would make the world a better place. I was on a mission to be a good writer for many years, going to college forever to study a lot of different subjects, getting up at 3am to write before work, etc... staying sober.
After the brainwashing woke me up to who I am, a lot of the mystical experiences I had been having all my life made sense... I have been told the CIA was simply trying to make me more moral, and were surprised as hell when I became Jesus. I was also told that I had started growing wings as a child and do have two mysterious scars on my back that are nowhere near where my back surgeries are. But the plan they were using me for, Operation Bluebeam, they tell me was come up with when I was a very young child, or possibly even before my birth.... but I felt like God had pulled the ultimate irony on the NEW WORLD ORDER crowd by actually placing the Christ in the body they were using, a man who would not go along with their evil plans, no matter how many millions of dollars they offered me.... Back in 07 they tried to get me to negoitiate over this money they had evidently gathered thru crime or people gave up to try to get to heaven even though they were rich, etc... I mean, my presence means the apocolypse is here. This thought alone drove a lot of people mad.
The last thing most people expected was my return... the Christians were ready, of course, but not for the person they were seeing on their filming in my apartment without my permission. IF THEY HAD JUST TAKEN MY WRITING about peace and love and togetherness seriously, instead of fighting me -- and forcing me to fight back, NONE of the trauma would have happened. But that was not their plan. I was a puppet.
I am now in the process of trying to build my house on stone, not on the sand the intelligence provided. I had to destroy the relgion that was built up around me. They had me pegged as a serial killer, a child molester, a guy who would have sex with anyone, going to public bathrooms and having sex... every joke I made, they took seriously. I had bi sexual experiences in my life, and was sexually confused by the molestation in my teen years. Priot to that the thought of having sex with a man had never entered my mind. At the height of my sexual potency, I allowed men to give me head, occasionally.... though I was always much more attracted to women. I actually thought life would be much easier if I was gay, but kissing a man, etc... I was like a guy in prison, with the exception that I never wanted to do anything anal, really. I believe that most people are somewhat bi sexual, and that a lot of homophobia is repressed bisexuality. I tried to use my experiences, to show others that these things were normal. And they are.. Though prejudices against my behavior certaiblyty began to be used against me when groups turned on me.
The groups were watching me on the webcam, and if I said one thing they would think that was my ultimate decision on something, even though I had been writing something else for years. There is a difference between a thought you think about, and meditate on, and the stupid things that sometimes come out of our mouths... but my words were being taken as scripture of sort.... when I found out about the webcam, and how my comedy short stories were beibg taken as Gospels, when I wrote them before waking up, I told them, DO THEY EVER DESCRIBE THESE KIND OF MUNDANE DETAILS IN THE BIBLE ABOUT JESUS???? No.... they wrote down very little about his life, just a feeww sermons he gave and that he was crucified. Why did they do this? Because most of his life didnot matter to the future or religion.
I believe Jesus was married. He was in his thirties, allegedly, when he awoke to who he was, and that is pretty late in life in those times not to have been married off. In my memories of being Jesus, I was married. I had children, And they were dispersed across the worrld to be hidden from the Rabbi's who would have wanted them dead, as they did the brother of Jesus, James, because of his hatred of the rich rabbi's. Jesus and James were Essenes, plain living communists, who worked with their hands and gave all their money to a central fund. They did not believe in sacrificing animals, which the Rabbi's hated because they made a lot of money off selling over priced animals to be sacrificed, not to mention they got to keep the meat. I came to change the Jewish relgion, and to throw out most of the supposedly holy scripture, because like all old knowledge, science and new philosophical thought, etc... superceeded the old knowledge. Old salt he called these words.
To the acolytes, as I was told those who watched me on the webcam, I am sorry for what you saw. Especially the children. I never much considered chiildren in my life or work. I did not write for chidren, I was writinng for people with a college education for the most part. I was trying to use the brightest minds I had studied to inform my work, and did not care that nuch whether everyone 'got' what I was writing about or not. I knew from the reaction of professors and professional writers, and audiences at readings who were sophisticated, that my writing was considered very good by people who were in a position whose criticism I could trust. When I think of children watching me..... the greatest of sadness fills me. Especially when I hear that I was made out to be a hero, and I did save this country, no matter how many problems I have with it, twice, at least. I did not use to believe that I had a right to be a usurper in government, nor did I feel qualified to run the country, let alone the wold.
I have come a long way since then.... NOW I could run this country, and fix it in ten years, make us a moral super power with a mix of republic, socialism, and capitalism... giving people a true choice on how they wanted to live, within limits. I have said before that certain natural resources I believe should be owned by all people, not a select few who use crinibal means to prop up their enterprises. From Exxon using private armies to slaughter protesters in Africa, to BP basically killing the Gulf of Mexico by sinkibg the oil, rather tha actually trying to get rid of it after their momentous spill, which they have still yet to compensate all the poor souls they effected, despite record proits. I would socialize the electric companies, tv stations, and movies, gas companies, and get rid of the over paid ceos in many public owned conpanies, and turn the ownership over to the workers. I would not try to have the government own everything at all. I want the wokers to be able to share in the profits of their conpanies... instead of people like that jerk who owns Papa Johns pizza who makes billions and says he is under no obligation to give back to his employees. People like this are ruining the quality of life of almost seven billion people on this planet, while a tiny one percent live like piggish kings,.
I want to tell the acolytes that I am honored and humbled that they were interested in my life. I want to tell those who followed my religious beliefs, some of them, that I am honored and humbled as well. After finding all this out about the webcam, and going thru ten months of interrogations over where I finally found out what was happening with the webcam, my writing, and certain religious and revolutionary followers I had inspired, I felt like I was so misrepresented that I basically said go home... go back to your normal churches... I wanted that life to end... to be like I had been when I quit drinking, a new person whose old behavior could be blamed on drink, and now was a different person. To the point I started wanting to leave mary ann and be with a different woman... I was so hated by the tv and even the radio stations that the love I found in a couple women on the net seemed to offer me a way out. I was wrong. The stress of the webcam and everything else took such a great toll on mary ann and I's relationship that we did not have a chance at that point. I had lost my sex drive due to the pills and being watched, for the most part, though I did not realize how much the pills were effecting me, I was certainly conscious of not wanting to be filmed making love.....
I remember one horrible night getting wasted on pills and blaming mary ann's weight gain on why we no longer had sex, when the weight of a woman had never really bothered iin the past, and she had a better body than my last girllfriend, who I was madly sexually attracted to. The Tribune, a conservative paper that I grew to despise over a few things they wrote about me, then had an article about this talking about how I was shallow hal, like in the movies... I had often said I was a Hal, referring to Shakespeare's character of a prince who hung out with a lot of disreputable people though in the end rose to the occasion of leadership, with new insights into the poor and criminal that most kings lacked, and turned out tobe the best of kings.
My heart aches when I think of the people who followed me, and fought on my side.... I should have been more specific in what I believed should be politically done, but I could not... our enemies read every word I wrote, and if I had put out battle plans they would have been ready for you at every turn. I did not know at the time that I was not allowed to leave Chicago, because I had basically been taken a hostage by the blacks, because the side I was born to lead were racist. I heard a comedian one night say, THE BLACK PANTHERS HAVE YOUR BOY... and I thought they meabt that I respected the black panthers.... later, when they told me I was a hostage, I turned on MPR and out of nowhere, as these things came, when they were giving me messages, the non sequiter, I HAVE NEVER BEEN A HOSTAGE,, HAVE YOU EVER BEEN A HOSTAGE?
To stop a race war I would have become a willing hostage, and if I had been set free the blacks would have found that my first act of leadership would have been to make peace. I LATER saw that they had placed me on the black side, calling me a Mascot, after I outlined an elaborate plan to do something, which I meant merely to stop people from killing each other, as well as to arm themselves to stop a slaughter I knew about. I am NOT on the black side, or the white side.... as I told them then, I will only work with people who understand the race war is a distracton, and the war I am interested in is a class war. The people who were using me however did not want to pay the kind of taxes I would need from them to make this country a place where anyone who wished to work could find a good paying job.
Finding out that I was being used by crininals is not something I can write much about. I do not want then to retailiate by hurting people, as they have done in the past. I will just say that the idea that I was a pirate is ridiculous. I WROTE PIRATE IF YOU HAVE TO, meaning computer programs, but in a revolutionary sense people pirated to raise monet for the revolt... which I also understand. It was pirating merely for personal gain that I would never go along with.. I did not even want people to raise money for the revolt in any criminal way, though if I had to recommend one it would be get the money robbing the ultra rich and banks.
I heard a lot about my having taken money from people, when I had never gotten a dine of money from these efforts, and they were all hidden from me or I would have stopped them. Many things I just heard reported and could not see what they had to do with me. I heard very early on, THE EMPORER WANTS COLORADO... when you are barely getting by on food stamps, you hardly feel like an emporer, I assure you. One man at least gave his life to get this message across. South Park, a show that used a lot of my early statements, like one where I did not blame the Jews for being crucified, I blamed the Romans... but that was just what had to happen to start Christianity and prepare you for this, my last visit on this planet, thank God, because life is ending.... in fact it is ending much quicker than I ever could have thought.... 42 percent of the bee's dieed in 2015. If that trend continues, the bee's will basically be gone next year. NEXT YEAR,.. people have predicted the end of the world forever, but this us the first time science and religion have merged to say THIS IS THE END.
I want to write again about sonething I think about a lot. WILL FERRELL interrupting a show I was watching to say a truck had been named after a general in the revolution who let the British slaughter his troops. Though I was always criticiziing the british royal family, thinking myself in the same vein as Twain, not trying to spur on a war... and again, being so isolated from my fame that I felt like I was nothing in this world, except during the stoned trance of writing in the voice of the God within me. At the time, I knew nothing of any race war, or a war with England. I knew they were pissed that I had made fun of their queen but a lot of English people wrote the same thing, and I did not realize my words had nuch nore weight than the average blogger. I NEVER ONCE said anything about invading England. Or any country for that matter. All I knew about the British coming to fight in the states was that around the tine Trevon Martin was shot I was very disgusted with what happened, and felt a lot of sorrow for the child and his fanily, especially coming from Chicago where we are always hearig of children beig gunned down. I made this clear. Around this tine, or perhaps even the same day, I heard on the TV the British were doing something, and the newscaster said I GUESS THE BRITISH GOVERNMENT IS DIFFERENT THAN THE QUEEN. At this tine I was actually beig threateed a lot.....and as stupid as this sounds, I was always expecting some calvary to come in and save me.... but this is all I ever heard about this event. I did know they were fightig or I would have commented on this... instead, I just watched with my constant curiousity the events taking place on the tv that seemed to have no efffect on my life. I sure as hell would NEVER have sacrificed soldiers who were fighting under my flag for any reason at all.
Everytime I see will ferrell I am filled with hatred. I am sure that pleases him. I used to think he could be one of the funniest guys on the planet. I guess the Trevon Martin death was nore than likely a signal that one group I will not name was fighting the blacks, and the Ennglish came in to fight to save the blacks and murdered this group. This was never my intention. I have been blamed for all kinds of things that I did not even know about...
I want another chance. Another chance to lead, without the trappings of crininals, or the idea that I want to take over the world, or that I am racist or anti-semetic or think there should be a one world government. I do believe there should be something like the UN, but I would run it like the round table, where all countries would throw their problems on the table, and then all countries would try to fix the as if they were their own,,,, you know now what I would do if I could lead. I would disband the government for ten years.... I would use this time to be a dictator, but I would rely on expert opinions, and I would listen to the people about what they want, then I would set up a fair election process, and turn the power back over to the people, so the position I create will not be able to be used by the forces of evil in the future.
I still support feminism, gay rights, Jews -- and I am not against Israel, I am against land grabs, and want them to live in harmony with those around them, rather than acting like ruthless leaders bent on genocide. I said, when I first started hearing about this, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I LOVE ALL PEOPLE????? Which is true. I criticize the behavior of individuals, write gruesome vioent stories, etc... Obama came on tv and mocked me for saying this, but it is true. Fifteen years of cab ddrivibg taught me that regardless of any stereotypes, most people were nice. I have lived and known all sorts of people in my life, and never stereotyped some group and hated them, with the exception I suppose of the ultra rich, and I TRIED to temper that .... but coming from the person you thought I was because of my bitching at what I thought were spies intruding on my life, and keeping me an obscure writer, destroying my career, etc.... I still believe in Unions, and still believe I would like to walk the path of Ceaser Chavez.... though we are differet people, and my position is quite different than his. His humility and genuine love of the poor and downtrodden is a gorgeous exanple that I strive for.... sadly, my ego was destroyed young, by dininished expectations, and the rejection by girls because I was a fat kid, and being looked down as poor because of the dunpy house I was raised in, my dirty finger nails, the winters without hot water where I could not bath at home, etc... II thought I was stupid, basically, because my gifts were intellectual, writing and acting and to a very mild degree the visual arts.... in a small town where people get made fun of for using big words, I felt dum..... DIMINISHED EXPECTATIONS, whether planned or not, caused me to over compensate, be a person I am now ashamed of having been, self promoting and always givin my resume as a way of saying hello practically... I was constantly selling myself, hoping to find a little self esteem in the way others looked at me... I loathed myself for most of my late teens and well into my thirties, used to only be able to get to sleep by telling myself I would kill myself the next day.
University opened a new world for me, and having a professor/intellectual for a girlfriend showed me there was a place for me in this world, and that it would be possible for me to do more than just say I was a writer, but actually learn how to be one... so though I did not appear so at times, I was very humbled by other people. Humbled by somone who could fiz a car, humbled by the great minds I learned about in school.... though the true gift of humility God gave me has come during this period of my life, when I KNOW his greatness, and my own smallness in comparison tomy father. I had to give up the idea of humilty to fight that war, had to pump myself up like a football player before a game....
While I am pointing out misnomer, there was also the thought that I hated sports to the point that I wanted people to stop playing them entirely. I loved sports when I was in high school, loved being a manager in Garrett, though not so much in Bowling Green, where I quit doing it because I did not know the players. I just never followed sports. When I wrote that sports, tv and addictions to entertainment in general would stop the people from revolting, I was repreating the same thing that has been said since the Romans... hardly a new thought. People ignored the addiction to tv part, the music part, and concentrated on the sports part. I do not know why? I watched the news seeing thibgs about this and for years wondered what you were doing, could see bo correalation between what I was doing and these events.
This is what I would change if I could... I would go back in time and participate, rather than just watching the revolt and wondering what the hell you were doing. It took me forever to figure out that mexicans were the penguins in my story.... I love Mexican people, and live in a neighborhood filled with them, where englishis not necessarily spoken in the stores you enter, or barely... but a God cannot choose one group of people to save. Not one religion, not one race, not one country. I am here for this entire world, and I have reached out a had to everyone who has asked for my help, and as our neighboring country, I will do anything in my power to help you. Like Cheech Marin said, I wll never fully understand your culture, or the culture of any other country, or even all the people of the USA, but I can respect other peoples culture, and not impose my views upon them... and treat them as equals. I believe in multi culturalism, to a great degree. I draw the line at the subjegaton of women, and children, both sexually, emotionally, and etc... I think there are universal laws that all cultures, regardless of their history, need to follow in the modern world. But I think they are few and far between.
I have not been grateful enough to all of you.... I even got mad at those of who based your tactics of war on writing I did that was meant to be critical... but God works in very mysterous ways, and your actions were profoundly courageous, and done in the name of God. My father wanted to make known that a new force was here, that He is a violent GOD. I was watching a show about Saul and David the other night, and the Prophet Samuel told Saul to slaughter every man woman and child of a tribe that had done as much to the Jews ten generations before. Saul responded that he could not worship a God that would do such a thing... and Samuel told Saul to read his bible. Like the Jewish Psalms show, God can be very wrathful about behavior he hates... the problemis that humans invented hell and think God can hate their souls and send them to eternal fire, all because they learned criminal ways in their household, or were beaten into beaing beaters, or.... breaking the ten commandmets... where in realityy you are reincarnating beings, who live and die over and over until life dies out on this planet, andyou are finally freed. Then I will send you off on the path to heaven, and continue on my journey to steer other beibgs lives on another planet, and when life expires there, as it does on all planets, I will again point thr toward God and sent ehm to heaven. You have a wonderful journey ahead of you, no matter how horrible you have been in this life, you might have been a saint in the past.
I want more than anything to be with those who were injured in these conflits, and to use my fame and writing abilities to raise money to care for them... but I FEAR my enemies will not even grant me this one bit of solace and penance. I wrote a while back that I would like some money and the ability to leave this country or move to the wildreness here, and the next found a coded article talking about how now the fallen angels were asking for money. I do not know what people did who considerred themselves angels on earth. I suspect they abused this power. I also suspect my joke about kill yourself and others will haunt me for the rest of my days..... I can no longer write real fiction or jokes again now that I know how easily my work can be misiterpreted.... I do love you all, though I hate the way some of you act.
I pray God will watch over you, and that I may one day be in your presence, if you still wish me to be, and we can live out a sinple existennce of honorig God the father through arts, love, and Just peace.....
